Hungry Ghosts

Hungry Ghosts in some Buddhist beliefs are creatures that have enormous stomach, tiny mouth and narrow throat, they are always hungry yet eating is very painful, and, well, useless!

My dreams are confusing, nightmares to be precise,
I dreamed once that I lost all my weight and my face fell off.
In another I lost my teeth; and well, it’s actually happening!
Another I was forced to a virginity test.
A funny one was when a childhood friend turned out to be an informant, it was dramatic.
I get taken, from my bed, this is my new falling dream.
I dream of old….friends….Ghosts….mistakes… lives I left behind, selves I was and no longer am.

The stab in my heart still hurts, I admit, it fuckin hurts, every time I touch the wound, every time I think about it, every time I think about something that eventually lead me to think about it. I feel the stitches pulled out, the wound opening again, stinging the same as if it’s the first time, and I bleed all over again, literally and figuratively, I make a mess so I get distracted cleaning up before someone notices, and I forget about it, but it happens again and again and every time the wound gets wider and wider.
My cat had an infection, an open wound that won’t heal, it would -almost- close only to open again, wider and messier, pus, blood and all, after months of pain we had to amputate his arm because it was spreading, it would have killed him.
How can I amputate a heart?
I think about the scar it’s going to leave and I get scared, so I pull the stitches.
Moving on means the scar is gonna happen, forever, if the wounds close it means that the urgency of bleeding and the mess and the distraction are no longer an option, How would I feed my ghosts when I’m no longer bleeding?

I dream about almost leaving, almost taking that plane, willing to never look back, but I do look back and I stay, I always stay because I know that the pain I can’t leave behind, I can not leave anywhere!


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